1. The party is held in Chico and we hold the biggest, slamminest, Jon Bon Joviest wiffleball tournament the state of Gullyvornia has ever seen. At The Sac of course. Starts at 8am bitches! And it's my fucking party so you better show up on time! No rolling in at 9:15am with a latte, eye goop, and bed head. Could be multi-day. Anyone who played in the league is invited, even Bob Banos...people who did not play need to be cleared by me, but will most likely be granted access. As far as alcohol goes, two drink MAXIMUM cause I'm sorry fellas but I can't have you pantomiming doggystyle with each other in front of the neighborhood kids. But perhaps Terry and I can whip up some more Horsemen Cream Soda batches...or Holy Whites Cola. Or Wiffolution
2. You know how bachelorettes have lingerie parties or sex toy parties or whatever, where they get together to be catty and giggle at pictures of penises and receive underwear they'll probably never use before finally devolving to near-naked pillow fights & making out? We'll have something like that except instead of sex toys, bras and making out, you guys will supply me with either video games or cash...or both (your choice). Call it a "Video Games or Cash Or Both" party. We'll giggle at pictures of the latest xbox360 peripherals or the latest Wii tennis game that looks fun but is never as responsive as you hope while you hand me wads of $20 bills or a new PS3 system. I can assure you I'll use them more often than my fiance will use those edible pasties she's getting.
3. I didn't live the typical college life (meaning I didn't really do anything fun, ever, aside from play video games w/Montgomery, but BOY was that fun!), but I knew OF the game of beer pong. Going to Clint's bachelor party recently and watching the competitive fire that exuded from some of the competitors, it was clear this game might possibly be the "national sport" for Cornell University students/alum, or at least the wrestlers. I'm not real big though on throwing down 2.4 oz cups of Milwaukee's Best, so at my party we're having a "Monster Pong" tournament. Energy drinks instead of beer buddy, that's right. The actual drink of choice has not yet been determined though, so it might end up being a "Rockstar Pong" tourney or a "Sobe Adrenaline Rush Pong" tourney or a "Wired x3000 Pong" tourney, or maybe even a "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Pong" tourney. Who knows? What I do know is that my brother and I will dominate all comers. The sugar/ginseng/caffeine/who knows what else poison will not affect us much if at all while my lightweight friends will be bouncing off the walls in insane caffeine highs (and then crashing hard into periodic depression/headache caffeine lows). This tourney could conceivably be held simultaneously with the wiffleball tourney, or after if everyone prefers more head space to focus on the task at hand. Best part is it will enable my non-drinking friends and my pre-teen friends to participate instead of watching, bored. Unfortunately my pregnant or nursing friends will probably have to sit this one out.
The only real downside I see to this modified setup is that it will be much more expensive to pull off, since a case of piss beer can run as low as 4 to 5 cents a can (or so I've heard). But it's my party and you're all paying, not me, so I don't really care too much. Don't go to 7-11 to get them though, their prices are ridiculous. I recommend Costco. Just a heads up, we ain't playing no damn "Red Bull Pong". That shit's for frat guys and dbags. Unlike Rockstar!
4. Another can't-miss idea is to plan the weekend around a local race up here and force everyone to run a 5k, or some other distance not exceeding a 10k. You don't wanna do it? Well then you're out of the Monster Pong tourney, jack! You don't like energy drinks and don't wanna be in the Monster Pong tourney anyway? Well now you're not only back IN the tourney, but your team's cups will be double-filled!
This would force the party to be held in Seattle since I think Chico only holds like one or two 5k-10k races a year, drastically narrowing down our window of opportunity. Of course we'd have to tie some gimmick into the whole thing, like having a burrito-eating contest an hour beforehand (though there are no good burritos around here...maybe a coffee-drinking contest, hyuck hyuck...or a vegan cupcake-eating contest, we got plenty of those), or punishing people who fall towards the bottom of the pack amongst our group with some ridiculous chore, like going alone to Red Mill Burgers at peak business hours and getting everyone dinner. Which means you better put those xc shoes back on, Clinton! I'd love to do it for a trail race around here, but if we're gonna be throwing down burritos before the race, I respect SRC too much to have my buddies puking all over their trails. Better to do it in one of those hoity-toity road races where we're surrounded by all the super-serious assholes wearing uniforms and shit.
****
More ideas welcome!
[ 3 comments ] ( 21 views ) | permalink |
( 5 / 1 )So it's been over a month since the last post huh? Believe me, I've noticed, and felt guilty. No, this blog is not dead. It will never die, because I don't see in the future any chance that I will tire of writing about myself. I've just been very busy. And while I hate that excuse when used by someone who doesn't email me for a long time, or call, I'm using it. I've just been too preoccupied by other (not necessarily "better") things to even think about WHAT to write about, let alone actually write it.
I just got back from one of those (better) preoccupations, my good buddy Clint Wattenberg's wedding to the beautiful Sarah Herskee. I was named best man and because I was so honored, I took the title very seriously, doing whatever I was told the best man was supposed to do. I did not let on that I was this serious about the task, because I knew the wise-guys in the group would then dream up humiliating tasks for me to perform under the ruse of "the best man always does this!" and that I would indeed perform them without question. Still, this led to a fair amount of stress on my end, but it was all worth it.
Anyway, congrats to Clint & Sarah!
I'm home now and while I've got a few big races this summer you may have read about elsewhere, I look forward to finally getting back on the horse when it comes to writing about non-running things.
[ add comment ] ( 3 views ) | permalink |
( 5 / 1 )http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/16/books/16kero.html
Aside from the fact that his game recaps were most likely better written than mine, this is spookily similar to what I did (and still do!) as a young man, oftentimes alongside Carmichael. Kerouac apparently also did fantasy horse-racing in addition to baseball; Carmichael and I tried our hand at football and basketball games, usually without much success, or at least not as much success as our baseball games.
It's always been a sort of proof of what some might call my lame childhood. I remember when my parents finally brought a home cpu to the house (I believe it was one of those tiny Apples, the type Jerry Seinfeld has in the earlier seasons), in 1991 or 1992, and I would just combine it with my love of fictitious baseball characters and the dot matrix printer and write/print out league "newsletters" that were meant to be read by no one aside from Scott. He would do his own at his house with his own league and give them to me. These newsletters had no basis in reality. Teams were fake, players were fake, stats were fake, standings were fake. But we'd each spend hours looking over the others' league news and injury reports.
Alongside these newsletters, another favorite activity of ours was cutting lined paper and drawing "baseball cards" for those same pretend players and creating four man teams. Each card would have the player's stats on the backside (of course, the only stats that mattered to us back then were the Triple Crown stats and, for some reason, 2Bs). Then we would go outside and PLAY as those guys. Each guy had his signature style. The slap hitting leadoff batter would choke up on the bat and his stance/swing would maybe mimic Wade Boggs. The homerun hitters would swing 150 mph and strike out half the time. We'd even keep stats during these kind-of fake games.
Eventually we grew too old for that stupid baby shit and graduated to less-creative but more realistic dice games based on probability and usually featuring actual players. We'd spend a day going to the nearest convenience store, grabbing the most recent Sporting News and using the baseball stats therein to create the rosters. We'd take a Dr. Pepper break and then spend the rest of the day night manually drawing out the matrices and assigning each player with certain ratings. By 3am, we'd be ready to go, and of course we'd play a couple games before finally conking out for the night. Next day we'd play a couple more games and then retire to our separate homes (and cpus) where we'd resume games and start with the whole point of it all, the stat tabulation. Reconvene next weekend to compare numbers, and after a couple weekends of this we'd be burned out on it for the year. There were simply too many teams and the numbers would grow far too slowly for our patience. So we'd fall back to the old standby...Baseball Stars!
Roughly 15 years later and here we are. As far as I know, Carmichael doesn't roll dice anymore. I still do, and I build stupid cardboard fields on which to roll them. I'm not particularly proud of this, despite my numerous postings of it on this site (it is what it is), but I became a little less ashamed after seeing that NYT article. Just a little.
Y'all can eat it.
[ add comment ] ( 47 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 25 )Just finished watching Major League for the 46th time or so, and was once again reminded of a minor squabble that I have with an otherwise excellent and timeless film.
The last scene, the Indians/Yanks one game playoff to see who goes to the postseason, is peaking. It's the bottom of the 9th, 2-2 game, 2 outs. Willie Mays Hayes has just displayed two flashes of speed, beating out an infield chopper and then stealing 2nd base. Jake Taylor, looking like Tim Allen + 30 lbs, is at the dish. He's "0-12 lifetime against The Duke", the Yankee closer who leads the league in hit batsmen and once threw at his own kid in a father/son game. 0-1 count (Hayes stole on the first pitch), Jake points to left field in a move that would have been the talk of the year on Sportscenter.
Duke makes a smirking "yeah whatever, grandpa" face and promptly throws at Taylor's head to even the count and knock Taylor down.
Taylor gets up and points again. The crowd is going delirious, as you might expect.
The Duke then goes into his delivery and Hayes heads for 3rd. Taylor lays down a half-bunt which obviously catches the infield off guard thanks to the whole "I'm gonna hit it way out 'dere" show he put on earlier.
Hayes is waved around 3rd as the 3rd basemen tries to get Taylor. He barely beats the throw before collapsing on his bum knee and Hayes barely beats the throw back to home and the Indians win it, the Indians win it, OH MY GOD THE INDIANS WIN IT!"
Now...
How did Taylor AND Hayes both know that The Duke was going to throw at Taylor's head on the first pitch after Taylor's gratuitous display of unsportsmanlike conduct? Otherwise, Hayes shoulda been heading for 3rd on THAT pitch and Taylor should have been having to try and lay down a perfect bunt on a pitch coming at his face. But apparently both knew to wait a pitch and then execute their little trick play.
I don't know how long it took for me to think about little nugget, but now I can't watch that final scene without being bothered by the apparent clairvoyance of these two fine baseball men.
[ add comment ] ( 79 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 40 )The 2009 season kicked off with some offensive firepower at The Sac and the Byrd House as teams began their quest to unseat the Road Warriors as WB2K9 Champions and I began my summer of dice and no friends!
Surprisingly (or not), the 2K8 surprise team, the Living Legends, went 3-0 as the squad celebrated their newfound freedom of Aaron Kemper. Kemper was dropped from the squad after the 2008 season, where the Legends shocked everybody by going 22-14 despite being, thanks to Kemper, one of the worst teams statistically. They were then eliminated by the Road Warriors in the first round of the playoffs, the moral victory being the fact that the Road Warriors went on to win the title over the Holy Whites.
New Legend rookie Justin Gosling was not in attendance, but the Legends swept the Horsemen 9-6 and 4-3, and then dispatched the Young & The Restless 3-1. Terry Creighton, who hit 36 HRs last year (2nd in the league), led the way with a 10-23, 5 HR performance. He also tossed 5 IP of one run ball despite not striking out one batter.
Around the league, the Holy Whites and Road Warriors kept up the momentum from their 1-2 finish in 2008, both going 2-1 on the day. Big losers on the day were the woeful Y&R, who finished 13-23 last year (2nd to last) and started 2009 even worse at 0-3. Rookie Adam Eberhardt, who replaced Jordan Lockhart, started decently, going 4-13 with 2 HRs.
Other rookies of note were the two Jeffs, Kragel and Boian, who combined to go 14-29 with 4 2Bs, 8 HRs, and 15 RBIs. Jason Eberhardt, the #1 draft pick for the Horsemen, lived up to his billing, going 8-20 with 5 HRs. He also chalked up 6 Ks and, of course, no walks.
ETA: Dean, since you might actually read this, let me state a few of your numbers:
- 6-17 (.353) with 1 2B and 4(!) HRs.
- Tied for the league lead in RBIs with Curtis Henning and Jeff Kragel (9).
- Pitching, not so hot. You gave up 6 runs in 3 IP (8.00 ERA), walking 4 and striking out 7.
- You actually gave up a 3B you dummy, the only one on the day (not surprising). Probably couldn't find the ball under the car right away.
League stats - through 1 gamedays:
Batting Average: .310
OBP: .379
SLG: .690
ERA: 4.04
K/4: 5.51
BB/4: 1.92
GIDP: 3
3B: 1
|
Standings Living Legends: 3-0 Wiffolution 51: 2-1 Holy Whites: 2-1 Road Warriors: 2-1 Horsemen: 1-2 Playerz: 1-2 Old Timers: 1-2 Y&R: 0-3 Top 5 ABs C. Wattenberg - LL - 26 N. Stuempfig - LL - 26 S. Carmichael - HW - 23 T. Creighton - LL - 23 J. Deatrick - HW - 22 Top 5 SLG% C. Henning - RW - 1.813 J. Kragel - 51 - 1.625 J. Boian - OT - 1.231 J. Eberhardt - HM - 1.150 S. Carmichael - HW - 1.130 Top 5 K/4 IP M. Holmberg - OT - 10.00 M. Plummer - 51 - 10.00 D. Evans - 51 9.33 J. Register - RW - 8.00 D. Uhland - RW - 8.00 |
Team Batting Avg (leader) Wiffolution: .383 Horsemen: .370 Road Warriors: .333 Playerz: .333 Living Legends: .307 Holy Whites: .302 Old Timers: .300 Young & The Restless: .221 Top 5 PA/K J. Creighton - HM 20.00 C. Henning - RW - 10.50 D. Cain - RW - 6.50 S. Carmichael - HW - 6.50 T. Creighton - LL - 6.00 Top 5 ERA M. Holmberg - OT - 0.00 N. Stuempfig - LL - 0.57 T. Creighton - LL - 0.80 C. Sylvester - 51 - 0.80 M. Plummer - 51 - 1.00 Top 5 Hits Allowed C. Wattenberg - LL - 15 J. Register - RW - 10 M. Smith - PL - 8 B. Rozak - OT - 8 J. Kragel - 51 - 8 |
[ 1 comment ] ( 67 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 45 )[ add comment ] ( 25 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 46 )Posnanski's Greinke article.
[ add comment ] ( 22 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 50 )If you didn't think I was a dork before, despite all the evidence to the contrary (go ahead and click that "Wiffleball Dice Games" link over in the right nav, why doncha?), you might after reading this post.
;)
For Christmas, and as a reward for actually by god finishing a season of that wiffleball dice game I made, I constructed for my bro a small baseball field made of felt and cardboard that he could use when rolling dice, to ensure a) that annoying dice-on-wood/glass sound doesn't slowly drive him insane and b) the dice stops rolling right off the table occasionally and sapping him of the 3-4 calories required to get off the couch and find them. I kind of personalized it, put up some LL flags (for "Living Legends", the team he's on (at least in my league...he isn't anymore in his league)), and hoped he'd like it. I think he does. Unfortunately, I used what was probably too thin of cardboard, and after gluing the felt on that would act as the field, I noticed it slowly start warping, the corners slightly curving upwards. Oh well.
After a few days recently of watching him get to use the field and play in near-total silence while my dice kept the neighbors up and rolled off the table and under the couch, I was jealous and wanted one for myself. While making his, I had no confidence in my ability to pull it off and stayed very basic (notice the boring, basic fence-line). Plus I was limited by current Living Legends member Clint Wattenberg's rudimentary carpentry skills. Upon completing it though, I found myself very happy with the end result, warping notwithstanding, and figured I'd try to step it up a notch on the next one that I'd undoubtedly eventually make for myself. I was finally motivated to do it last weekend and Saturday night put it together while you were probably out socializing with friends, wasting your life.
Not a whole lot more complex, but I definitely stepped the game up. Version 2.0 Enhancements:
1. Used thicker cardboard, so no warping.
2. Fence is not a 90 degree angle.
3. Two-point fence instead of one.
4. Fence is not one fixed height.
5. Instead of being glued down, the three fence pieces are held up with pins sticking up through the cardboard, and can be easily pulled off and modified if needed (which won't be needed, cause they're perfect).
6. A max distance from home plate being 420 ft. Hell yeah.
I also left a little bit of room behind the fence in case I wanted to add something down the line that I'm not yet qualified to add (scoreboard, stands, etc), or feel motivated to order my girlfriend to make, who is qualified.
;)
Sunday I took it over to Terry's to break it in, and to say I felt sorry for the poor bastard when he pulled out his Version 1.0 abortion would be an understatement. I don't know how he can even play the game with that pitiful piece of crap.
But at least now while we play it's a lot easier to hear the hilarious jokes on Terry's DVR'd episodes of Step By Step!
[ 1 comment ] ( 55 views ) | permalink |
( 3 / 51 )
